The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" the old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
 
 

                 A woman is down on here luck with the opposite sex. After another failed
                 relationship, her best friend tells her she should put a personal ad in the local
                 newspaper. The woman finally agrees thinking that, at this point, she has
                 nothing left to loose. After some thought, the woman comes up with the perfect
                 ad. It reads: WANTED: a man who won't beat me, who won't leave me and who
                 is good in bed. A few weeks go by and the woman doesn't get any response.
                 When she is on the brink of giving up men forever, she receives a knock on the
                 door. She opens the door to a man sitting in a wheelchair with no arms and
                 legs! "Can I help you?" asks the woman. The man replies, "Yes, I am
                 responding to the personal ad you placed in the newspaper. I am your ideal
                 man!" The woman questions him, "What makes you think that you are my ideal
                 man?" "Well" replies the man, "your ad said you wanted someone who won't
                 beat you; I have no arms, so I will not beat you. You want a man who won't leave
                 you; I have no legs so I will not leave you." The woman interrupts, "Yeah, but
                 are you good in bed?" The man replies, "How do you think I knocked on
                 the door?!?"

    Four married guys were golfing. On the sixth hole the following conversation took place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I'd build her a new deck for the pool.
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."   As they continued to play the hole they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him: "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to come out golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5.30 AM. When it went off, I gave my wife a
 nudge and said, Golf course or intercourse? and she said, Don't forget to wear a sweater.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.  So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
 The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a  minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this  matter.
 He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and
 therefore not for the Sabbath!
 Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man  of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is  definitely play."
 The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others  tell me sex is work?"
 The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the  maid do it."
 
 

As we don't have any programming experience, this Virus works on the
honor system.
Please delete all the system files on your hard drive manually and forward
this Virus to everyone on your mailing.
Caution: You must forward this before you delete your system files.

Because they can drive while hand cuffed.

12/29/00 Barber Shop
Joe goes to the barber shop and asks the barber, "How long of a wait do you have?"  The Barber says, "2 hours"  Joe says, "I'll come back another day."
Every week, the same thing happens.  Finally the Barber asks a kid to follow Joe and see where he goes.  The kid comes back and tells the barber, "He went to your house."

1/6/00 Ex-Lax won't cure a cough
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.  He could never find the item the customer wanted.  Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup.  Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.  Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.  I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on
the lamp post.  "Look at him.  He's afraid to cough!"

1/26/00 Super Sex

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
 As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
 "Supersex."
 She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown
 at him, she said, "Supersex."
 He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
 "I'll take the soup."

1. What is the difference between a dog and a fox?      About 5 drinks.
2. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on  Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days.  " She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."
3. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"   Dad: That happens in every country, son.
4. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all  said the same thing: "You can have mine."
5. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
6. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive.
7. Why do men die before their wives?               They want to.

12/26/03 Best Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

1/14/05 Death of a cat

Joe calls his brother after he had been away for a year.  He asks his brother about his pet cat. His brother replies, "The cat died." Joe says, "How can you be so thoughtless, you know I loved that cat"  The Brother replies, "What should I have said?" Joe tells him he could have said the cat was stuck up in a tree, then a week later you could have said the cat was very sick.  Then you could have told me the cat died.  

The Brother says, "I'm sorry, I didn't think."  Joe tells him to forget about it, then asks, "How's Mom doing?"

The brother pauses for a while, then says, "She's stuck up in a tree."

1/21/05

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back... "WOULD THE
ASSHOLE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!"